


Breathe Confidence, Exhale Doubt

by AmberGlory



Series: As Simple As That [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 15:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18594427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberGlory/pseuds/AmberGlory
Summary: MAJOR AVENGERS: ENDGAME SPOILERS-Tony Stark breathes. Really, it's the last option, after he's already failed at all else.





	Breathe Confidence, Exhale Doubt

Tony Stark breathes. It’s a luxury he won’t have much longer.

 

The ship’s engine is silent, only the lights from his helmet burst to life ( lights, lights, stars in his eyes as metal sinks in his flesh _._ )

 

“I’m just gonna, rest my eyes for a second.” he wheezes, pitching forward. The lights of the mask fall dark, and he finally allows his face to fall, a deep, sagging sensation settling upon his body.

 

Distantly, he recalls being set into one of the seats, facing the deep void of space, its possibilities. His gaze goes slack as time passes, watching as the stars flicker ( will he blink out just as quickly? ), vision going foggy.

 

But then there’s light, and he dreads the hope that begins the swell in his chest as the woman before him ( unwavering, shining, now _that’s a hero_ , could she have beaten Thanos? ) offers a tight grin, because what is there to be hopeful for? There’s no hope for a world that will never live through the loss of trillions.

 

He should know, he’s held up on one ( _Mr. Stark I don't feel so good._ )

 

Tony turns away as Nebula opens the hatch to let their savior inside. Hushed whispers follow, splints of _ danvers _ and _genocide_ and _ thanos_, but they fall deaf on his ears. Tony leans back in the seat, letting his eyes fall shut.

 

Time passes. Tony’s rudely shaken awake by the hands that grip his shoulders, which just as suddenly pull him to his feet. Idly, he wonders if Thanos has returned to seal his fate.

 

( He hopes so. )

 

The ship's hatch opens with a hiss, effectively snapping him back to reality. Nebula is stoic by his side, hand gripping his back for leverage. He hears a wave of soft gasps, and immediately his vision is covered by another. His heart aches. His lips open involuntarily.

 

Steve Rogers.

 

The words slip out. “I failed.” ( the war against a titan with no weaknesses, the kid and everyone else who put their lives on the line only to waste away with a simple breeze. )

 

A pause. “So did we.”

 

And really, what else is there to say? Earth’s pillars of hope, now only shells of their former glory, as everything they swore to protect crumbled around them. Reduced to but a figure for blame.

 

-

 

Tony sits, silent, breathing, listening to what's left of humanity's defenders ( vision, vision, _where's vision_ , gray and cold ) talk as best he can with his throbbing head, and thinks _you know what, fuck this._ He’s going to need to find a new lifestyle, after a god judged him unworthy of redemption and forced a shard of metal into his side. He’s going to need to find a new home, after this building turned into a beacon for guilt and mourning, destroying whatever illusion of safety he had there. He’s going to need… a new life. So Tony sits, hands by his sides, mouth closed, and thinks _fuck this._

 

Then he snaps, he speaks. Words are spilling from his lips and he barely wraps his head around what they mean, bits of boiling rage that can’t seem to hide under some fucked-up mask.

 

“Tony ...” Steve spoke, deep and rugged, as if he had lived through a world of disaster and turmoil ( he probably had, _but_ , so had Tony. ) Tony eyed him carefully: he knew what a shattered man looked like, it wasn’t hard to compare the symptoms to his own.

 

But this man had left him. Said they would die together as one, and then left him alone to mourn the loss of a child and other warriors in the dusk ( why, why, _why_. )

 

He slams the reactor against Steve’s palm, and the cool metal burns against his trembling hands. _Take it_ , he wants to scream through his shredding vocal cords, _see what good it won’t do_.

 

( _Protect yourself, god knows I can’t do it._ )

 

He’s decaying, sanity stripped from ravaged bones as loss begins to finally settle upon his shoulders.

 

 _Avengers_ , he thinks, as those around him finally learn to back away. _Earth’s Mightiest Heroes_. Sworn to protect against any danger.

 

What a joke, the void of his guilt hisses.

 

-

 

Days later, the Mad Titan is dead.

 

No matter how hard Tony wills himself, he can’t blame Thor ( after all, he had failed first. fought and pushed and _all that for a drop of blood._ ) A god who’s life was split apart piece by piece, until nothing remained but the stench of a desire for unruly revenge.

 

Regardless, thoughts of Thanos’ severed head slice through Tony’s every waking thought.

 

-

 

As a big _fuck you_ to all the world’s thrown at him, Tony Stark moves on.

 

He silences the protests he knows are coming, talks of _we can still find a way_ and formally inspiring speeches from a man he’s held no faith in for years now. Says he’s just going for a walk. ( Steve and Natasha are irritated, but can’t do much; a broken man can’t be dragged further. ) Nebula narrows her eyes at him, but in the end doesn’t seem too suspicious. To her knowledge, Tony’s never really lied before; he’s never even had a reason to tell her anything.

 

All they had were hazy memories of shitty paper football ( and death messages to loved ones who might not have even lived. )

 

His thoughts claw at him for believing the others would be the same. Lying and deceit and _Bucky -_

 

So he drags everything that’s left of him, the dull, broken shards, and leaves. Pepper finds him at the door.

 

“Tony, what’s going on?”

 

Tony steels himself. He takes a breath. He could lie. He’s done it all his life.

 

“I need to leave,” he says instead. “We’ve lost against Thanos, and we can’t undo what’s happened. They’re,” he breathes, the pain in his chest growing larger with each second, “they’re gone, and I can’t be around what can’t be avenged, at least not now.” he shrugs. There’s a lump in her throat. This is all too much, too soon.

 

Pepper makes a soft, pained noise. She reaches over and takes Tony’s hand, but Tony flinches ( I don’t wanna go, Mr. Stark, _I don’t wanna go_ \- ) and Pepper pulls it back. There’s no pity on her face, just empathy, and Tony knows Pepper understands what he’s really saying.

 

“Oh,” says Pepper, after a long silence. The word warbles, because Tony isn’t looking at her, opting instead to face the tiled floor with a haunted look. “I’m so _sorry_ , Tony. Can I… help?”

 

“Uh,” responds Tony, still struggling past the blockade in his throat, suddenly trying not to cry. He tries to find courage. “There isn’t really, you know, anything to be done.”

 

It’s all such a joke now. He’s such a shitty hero.

 

Maybe that’s why in the end, it’s easier to leave than he thought, Pepper now by his side. No one needs a savior who can’t live up to the name.

 

( That, at least, is predictable. )

 

-

 

In the end, her appearance is a blessing. Pepper finds him in the wake of his destruction, and gets help. Tony, for the life of himself ( and those he’s already lost ) can’t say no.

 

Tony walks into the doctor’s office with shaking hands. He leaves with a diagnosis and a promise to return at a later date.

 

( The doctor mentioned other things, too. She suggests maybe looking into bipolar disorder if the emotional upheaval doesn’t fade. Says _there’s nothing wrong in seeking help, Stark._ )

 

They follow up his meeting with a short lunch, quiet and far away from the busting noises of the city.

 

This lunch won’t be one to celebrate an earned victory, though ( Loki, Ultron, failing against Thanos and s _tarvation and the ship is losing energy.  _ ) This lunch is so they can hold hands and feel each other’s pulses, sit too closely together and remind each other that they’re safe, even after hell reigned down around them.

 

They can say _crazy, isn’t it?_ and mean _it was terrifying and I haven’t been sleeping since it all happened._ Pepper doesn’t say any of that, of course, she handles everything much better, she always has, and Tony tries not to think about how his first normal invitation comes after the end of the world.

 

-

 

When he spots Steve, Natasha, and Bruce walking up the path to the front door, he pauses, then quietly ushers Morgan inside. Something inside him shifts as he stands up, noting the red of Natasha's eyes has been displaced by a tinge of hope, and Steve's posture has turned bolder. There’s been a change.

 

They tell him of a way to fix it all. And in the moment he thinks _do I really want this?_

 

No, he doesn't. He left the compound to move past the loss, to pick up the pieces that the universe had deemed worthy ( _useless_ ) enough to survive and rebuild.

 

And yet, once he had refused, once they had left, he couldn’t stop _shaking_.

 

It’s funny, in a way. He hadn’t seen Steve Rogers, seen anyone from the remains of that battle in over five years, and yet - and _yet -_ he never once stopped thinking of his failure. It was a learned response: he was a defender, and the world outside still mourned, still refused to leave the past in dust.

 

Him? He’d never been able to forget about the metal underneath his skin. The cool touch of a titan’s hand upon his head. Whispers of _I hope they remember you_.

 

Tony’s knees hit the floor. Distinctly, he recognizes the photo in his hands slipping away, shattering, spilling glass upon the floor. ( _Peter’s gone again,_ splitting apart, slipping away. )

 

Someone crouches down, he can sense it distantly, and then she’s pulling his hands away from his ears - when did they get there? - and uncurling his fingers, gently holding his hand while subsequently placing her palm flat against his chest. His shoulders are still heaving up and down with the frantic pace of his breathing, but Morgan is steady and still under her hand, and his heartbeat can’t be heard but he can still feel it ( he’s here, he’s still here, why is h _e still here after everyone else has left_ ), a bit too fast maybe but it’s rhythmic and monotonous and Tony’s whole world narrows until there is only him and the wooden floor under him, Morgan and the heartbeat he feels under her palm.

 

It takes him a while to calm down. His cheeks, he realizes, are wet. His hearing starts to come back. Morgan is humming, entirely calm and still, still holding her hand against his body. “Sorry, honey” he croaks, when he feels he can once again speak.

 

She doesn’t respond, instead opting to hug her father close, hands curling around the edges of his shirt. Tony’s eyes soften. This is why he’s here.

 

Hours later, after setting Morgan into bed with a kiss and a soft smile ( _love you 3000_ ) he stands before a Mobius Strip, staring, a dark sense of hope coating his features. So it can be done, huh.

 

"So I figured it out."

 

Pepper shifts from her position on the couch. At her urging he continues. "Time Travel, I mean. I figured it out."

 

He knows she figures out the meaning of what he’s said. Knows why he even mentions it in the first place. Her eyes soften, and instinctively he regrets every speaking. Why didn't he just go to bed again? And yet ... she wants him to do it. To help. To avenge.

 

When she leaves, she softly kisses his cheek. Tony presses his hands flat against his thighs, but he still flinches backwards ( _you're not the only one cursed with knowledge._ )

 

He doesn't want to lose what has been made. Doesn't want to travel back and risk losing Morgan, and Pepper, and ... Peter, who he can't lose because ages ago the boy cried softly and clung to him like a lifeline.

 

Tony sighs. He knows what we has to do.

 

-

 

It works. Against all odds, against five years of failure, it works, and they stand before an iron gauntlet, waiting for one last attempt.

 

Then, when the world is quiet, Tony opens his palms and closes his eyes. Shakes as the suit washes over him. He thinks about Loki, Howard, all that could go wrong and has already.

 

Bruce wails as the power flows through his veins ( _dust, he’ll become dust_ ) yet Tony stands tall, unresponsive, a shield for his comrades, face set in determination. He tries to find his center, drawing on his rudimentary knowledge of meditation and mindfulness, trying to calm his heartbeat and block out his thoughts. He believes in his friend, hopes for their survival.

 

( Hopes to see the Pete’s face again. )

 

There is a blinding flash.

 

-

 

The compound is ruined, blasted apart by an interruption of the past, but Tony Stark could care less, and breathes deeply, holding onto the small body of an excitable spider.

 

“Oh, this is nice.”

 

And Tony snorts, because now he’s sure it’s Peter Parker, now he’s sure that somehow, their plan worked.

 

So he stands. Fights. Keeps rushing forward even as Thanos ( dead, dead, he should be dead, kill him again ) thunders and blows past every move they make with an army that rages forward to no end.

 

Steve and Thor fight alongside him. Electricity bounces between both those worthy, and Tony wants to nearly cry because _of course_ , of course they’d still be here by his side. Maybe they’ll die but finally, finally they’re a team once again, one common goal.

 

However, as his walls begin the crumble, Thanos roars again, rears his ugly head, grips the power stone, and Carol goes plunging backwards with a single wave of energy.

 

The walls are closing in on him, and his breathing is starting to stutter in his chest, so Tony grabs the ground before him, and without a second thought, rushes forward ( not again, not again. )

 

He’s flung back, and the gauntlet finds in inevitability once again. Thanos sneers down upon them. “I am inevitable.”

 

He raises his arm, and terror grips Tony’s heart like a vice. His body stiffens.

 

Carol comes rushing back, slams into his arm, alight with power and rage. Both hero and villain scream.

 

The gauntlet crashes before him. Before he can blink, he’s racing towards it, eyeing the Mad Titan who mirrors his movements.

 

The stones move. Thanos holds a haunted look as he finally sees the stones settle themselves onto the new gauntlet, which wraps snugly around Tony’s palm. His expression falls to disgust, but Tony stands tall.  

 

“I ..”

 

He thinks of broken promises, betrayals, deception. He thought of love, family, loss. He thought of relief, temptation, fear.

 

( He thinks of a titan who stared at him as if they were equals - his heart clenches, he never wants to become a man who sees the world as expendable waste. )

 

“ **am** ..”

 

He thinks of Pepper’s arms wrapped tightly to keep him grounded, of Morgan’s shy giggles, of Peter Parker’s limitless energy in face of all the odds surrounding them.

 

“Iron Man.”

 

He baptizes himself within the comforting sound of a single snap.

 

-

 

Tony Stark breathes, and the action burns his throat, yet he can’t tear his eyes away from what’s before him.

 

Dust settles into the air, and … oh. Thanos sits quietly feet away, eyes glossed, lost to the world that crumbles around him. Around him, his army falls apart at the seams, their grime coating the floor in an morbid sense of déjà vu. It's in mild, dull fascination that he finally turns his gaze to the titan himself, who still has not spoken at word.

 

Tony wants to scream. Wants to make sure that man knows everything has he's done to him, ( how he's haunted every possible moment of his life for nearly a decade. ) Yet he keeps silent, and when his breathing has steadied and the world is starting to come back into focus, and he feels so tired and worn out that he just wants to sleep, he only breathes once more as Thanos crumbles into the dust that had once been those who hadn't deserved to suffer.

 

 _Payback’s a bitch, Joss Whedon_.

 

Suddenly, he becomes all too acutely aware of Rhodey’s hands in his own, and Peter Parker’s sobbing, trying to push the words _we won_ from his throat in a panicked state, and Tony’s chest aches as he wants to get up again, to hold the boy and never let go, to prove that he can stand and move on. ( He can’t - he’s losing everything again and he _can’t even muster one simple act._ )

 

And then there’s Pepper. There’s a timid smile, strained yet there.

 

“Tony. Hey, look at me,” she whispers, "it's okay." and Tony wants so desperately to believe her but ( _they’re still on the battlefield_ , and it can’t be over, he’s fought for years and it’s _never this easy to stop anything anymore._ )

 

“We’re gonna be okay.”

 

Slowly, the adrenaline settles. Tony’s breaths fall into a bizarre rhythm, vision begins to fade, he's vividly aware of the charred burns that litter his body, scattered, pitch black, and _searing_ , but he’s no longer afraid. Tony Stark is the world. This is him. This is incredible. He is incredible. He is a hero.

 

“You can rest now.”

**Author's Note:**

> “Some people are still alive only because they find being dead more boring than being alive.”
> 
> -
> 
> thank you for reading, i'm open for prompts so drop a comment below!
> 
> hope you all enjoyed the mess that is an early morning sob work after watching a midnight showing - also fair warning, this is unbeta'd, so watch out.


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